Christmas time again

Merry Christmas to everyone.

Christmas eve was so much fun this year. My brother was working so instead of staying home alone with the pooch, I pretty much house hopped.

Went and spent time with my dad and even helped him wrap his girlfriends Xmas gift. I am the ultimate gift wrapper!!

I went and saw my other brother who I haven't seen in a while and also spent time with my dad's side of the family who I pretty much haven't seen since my mom died. It was an ok time.

I went and spent time with my best friend and her entire extended family on her boyfriend (husbands) side. The are the best group of people that I have ever met. They make me feel wanted and act like the are genuinely happy to see me. "Lita told me that I am welcome when ever I want to come over." She is the sweetest lady that I have ever met. I got to watch the kids, all my friends who are by no means kids, work with her to make homemade Tamales. From filling the bowl with Mesa, to watching each of their techniques on how to fill the corn husks. Each of them totally different but they all worked in creating yummy filled husks. Watched as Lita filled the husks with her meat filling and lining the pan with them with expertise. I am told that these are really special and coveted because they only get them one time a year. I can totally understand on why that is...they took a really really long time to make, and by midnight, they were still not done. And, I must say that her bean and chile tamales were hot, spicy and the best that I have ever tasted. I have never had a homemade tamale in my life, and it was worth the 32 years of waiting!!!

I got to sit in on their tradition last night, and it meant the world to me to be invited to share it with them. I watched as they bantered back and forth, how they are so involved with each others lives, and how much love this family has for one another. From the young to the old, they hold each other in great respect. A true family if I have ever seen one. I know each family has their own problems, and they have them probably just as much as the next, but this family also has life. Something that I have missed for a really loong time.

The pile of presents under the beautiful tree was something to look at, and all the people piling on top of each other in the living room. All the excited looks on everyones face was something priceless. The presents were sitting there teasing the small children who were so excited to open them to see what treasures that they had received. I don't know if this is a tradition or not, but each time one of the kids asked if it was time to open a present, the time got later and later. Lita finally said as everyone finished pie at 11pm, that it was time to open gifts.

As gifts were passed around, and the eyes getting bigger and bigger on all the kids, pictures were snapped to perfection with the memories captured to last a lifetime. From the serious gifts of beautiful works of art to the hysterically funny "Superman Underwear" that were actually worn on the outside of the pants, had us all laughing and snapping pictures that would no doubt be on someone's face book in the morning. HAHA

As people got ready to leave around 1am, the mood was light, and still some how energetic.

I tell you, this was the best time that I have had in a long time. And even though I felt alone and lonely, I was never once unloved. I love my friends and their families with ALL my heart and thank them for everything that they gave me last night, I will never forget it.

To wrap up another year...where does it all go???

I haven't posted for awhile, so I have lots to say...get over it and read on.

In a little less than 1 week, another year will come to an end. Not sure how or where it went, but all I can do is just itch my head and be thankful that I made it through another year.

As I think over this past year, I just shake my head and wonder to myself why we do the things that we do. I must admit, that not all my endeavors were bad, some I wish I had never done or wish the outcome had turned out differently; But in all honesty, this year, they were all mainly great times spent with wonderful people whom I love with all my heart. The best thing that we could have done was invented "Girls card night".

2009 was the year for trying new things and meeting new people. Met many people, some who I have come to call great friends, but most were people who made a small appearances, not large enough to matter much but slight enough to remember.

There is always that one person who we meet in life that can heal our hearts, our minds and gives us our lives back.

I sometimes wish that person was still in my life. I let my guard down and actually felt as though things might have been different. It must have been the snow and that friggin hat. I fell for him the second that I saw him, and our conversation had been one of the best I had had in a long time. We just walked and talked; walked and talked about nothing at all while stomping around in the snow. And while our conversations stopped meaning anything to you, and I knew that I was becoming your last resort, I will miss your face and your smile. I miss your long passionate blood boiling kisses and the strength of your hands. Most of all, I just miss you.

Whatever.....moving on now.....

Work was great to me this year, as I am still employed and have no fears of loosing my security. Half way through the year I started working with a Dr again. Where as I told myself that I was done working with Dr's, this has to be one of the better moves that I have done in awhile...GO ME!! She makes the day enjoyable, and when you work in HC, you need as much enjoyment during the day that you can get.

My family is well.

My brother just graduated from school, and is now an RT. He worked hard and it shows. He got offered a job before school was over and now is ready to start his new career. Made me very proud of him!

My dad is well. I wish that I knew more, but he has his own life. Being an adult is sometimes hard, because we get so busy and wrapped up in our own lives, we tend to neglect the things that matter the most. I miss my dad. I miss seeing him all the time, talking to him all the time. Us not seeing each other is not all his fault, I do take the blame as much as I push it out. I just wish things had turned out differently. I just want him to be happy and it breaks my heart that I don't know if he is or not.

My other brother...I have no clue. I hope that the decisions that he makes in his life are good ones, and that he is happy. That is all I care about. That and he knows how much I love him.

The rest of my family...I have no clue. I will not try to be apart of peoples lives who do not try to be apart of mine. I hate the lying and the fakeness of trying to fit in a place that I do not belong, or am wanted. My true family stayed with me after my mom died. The rest of the "family" went on their own way. Not the way a family is supposed to act, but that is what they did...and it was their choice.

My friends...what can I say....they are the greatest bunch of people who I have ever met. I do not need to name names as they know who they are. They kept me sane throughout the year and made me hold my head up high when all I felt like was giving up. They are brave enough to tell me to get my shit together and pull my head out of my ass. They tell me that I am loved and that I belong to them. They make me feel as though I am part of the family, and constantly show me that it is ok to love and show it. From them, I have had a secret crush for about 4 years..and even though I know that it will never go anywhere, that is perfectly fine with me. Just knowing that there is one person that I am secretly in love with shows that yes, I am not broken and I can still do it.

I HAVE THE GREATEST FRIENDS IS THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!

What does 2010 have in store for me? I have no idea. I cannot possibly think of what could happen, but I do know that even though I do not make resolutions, there will be certain changes that I make. Personally, financially and emotionally. However, no matter what I do, it will be out of love for myself and everyone that is close in my bubble.

I hope this New Year brings better things to people in the world. My hope is that people see the good in each other and try to be a little nicer, help a little more and stop all the hatred they hold for each other.

BRING ON 2O1O, I THINK THAT WE ARE READY

And I will be posting more in this New Year.

7/9/1977

Happy Birthday to me!

32 years ago, I was born to the most beautiful woman in the world. I remember roaming the world with her in a truck and pig tails. My radio handle was "Gabber Jaws". I had it good like that...I got all the apples and bananas that I wanted cause I was so damned cute.

I look back at my life and think that in many ways I have been blessed beyond a reasonable doubt. Sure, I had my Madonna days when all I would wear were the while tights and headbands. I had the best looking "tall" hair that a girl could ask for. I went thru the big huge flower in my hair that went great with my big red glasses (I also had them in blue, don't hate). I had lots of friends, the occasional boyfriend and back then life was great. I had all that I could ask for.

I look back at all the things that I could have done differently, and where there are some that I would change in a heartbeat, most of them I would not. I would change some of the people that I met, some that I had given my heart to and some that I didn't. I think that maybe it would have changed my outcome on how I look at life, just a little differently. But, we will never know, and that is the way life works.

32 is no different than it was yesterday. I did nothing special except take the day off work, spent it with no one special except for my dog. Funny how when we are kids, we see our lives turn out so much differently. I only wish that my mom was still alive. She is the one person that I love the most, who I miss soooo much. She was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

But, what more can a girl ask for. I have two wonderful brothers, a dad who loves me for no reason at all, a dog that would permanently attach himself to my leg if he could, a great bunch of friends who put up with me and still love me endlessly!!

So, Happy Birthday to me, and hopefully I have many many more!

Independence Day

Today is the day that we celebrate our freedom.

We celebrate with good friends
We celebrate with good food
We celebrate with cold beer
We celebrate with colorful bombs that go off in the sky

So as you head out today to celebrate
with friends and loved ones

Remember all the MEN and WOMEN that have died for you

Unshed feelings

My body is aching
My skin is burning
The slap hurt more than the tearing of flesh
I am standing here with my body bloody
bruised and battered but yet
I can't feel it anymore

The cords have been ripped away
My face no longer in the living
The picking of my matter is
now dry and empty but yet
I can't feel it anymore

Where there was once a
cold broken heart is now
just a pile of ash but yet
I can't feel it anymore

I am a girl
I have feelings
I am alone
I don't feel it anymore

I wonder what it would feel like
to have the wind whipping me in the face
the cool blast slapping me with the palm of its hand
hair slicing through the air like razor blades?

What would it feel like
to take that ultimate jump and
watch the ground speeding
towards my face with
eyes wide open?

Never screaming
holding breathe
unbreakable nerves
vision blurred through endless tears!

The rush of the unknown
slamming into my body
with unseen waves of pleasure
building like white caverns of
eternal mist.

Satisfied

What does it feel like to be satisfied?

What does it feel like to be so loved your heart is ready to burst?

What does it feel like to wake up in the middle of the night and feel tight secure arms wrapped around you?

What does it feel like to be told you matter, are special and have someone mean it?

What does it feel like to go to bed not scared?

What does it feel like to not have a worry in the world?

What does it feel like to have a job that you actually enjoy?

What does it feel like to have no cares in the world?

I am deaf to the agony
that once was your voice

You call to me silently
pathetic, gurgling, struggling

I can still feel it
like that sharp blade
which slices through my thigh

It catches, rips away until
all my defenses are shredded
into tiny fragments of dust

I tape my ears so that
I may walk away with a
little spot of hope that once
was lost, and still is

No longer will I see your
smile as something to hold
on to, my eyes are now empty
caverns of nothingness

No longer glowing of happiness
this body starts to rust
slowly bleeding away your thoughts
of mortality

I lay on the bed and smile with
unbruised lips as the gray settles
gently and the silence begins

Einstein's Rules for Being Human

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works."

4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain it's lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. There is no better than "here." When your "there" has become "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here."

7. Others are only mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You will have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

In closing...2008

So, as fast as it came, it went. I don't really understand how it came to be that it flew by so fast, but 2008 is now just a distant memory for most and I am still trying to get used to writing Dec on everything. Now, I must remember that it is an entirely new year. I hate that it comes so quickly because that just means in a few short 7 months I will be one year older, still single and lonely with no new prospects. I must say tho, that I have met someone, and for now it is 3 wks into it and so far so good. However, I do still wait for the phone call that says he's more interested in me as a friend and somehow deemed me not girlfriend material, but until that day comes, I will still think that he is cute.

I have high expectations for myself in 2009. I am no longer going to let things bother me that are out of my control. If you don't do it, then you don't do it and I am no longer going to get pissed off at the things that I cannot change about myself or other people. I am not going to seek out that one person who was supposed to have been made for me...(actually I think that I was skipped in the soul mate department) and just let what ever happens happen. No more hurt feelings and random thoughts of violence. It just leaves me thirsty and tired.

Now, thanks to my friend Tim, here is another stupid questionnaire that we are all made to answer...

The BEST part of 2008?

-I would have to say that the best part of 2008 for new was getting to meet my new nephew Gavin. He is so sweet and cute and adorable...I just want to eat him all up.
-Staying healthy was a big plus this year.
-Not losing my job made things much easier.
-Getting to witness history with the first African American President, Obama, win the election and knowing that I was smart enough in my decisions to help elect him. (I did have help with this)

What would you have CHANGED about 2008?

-There are a couple of people who I met this year that I really wish I would have never met...I regret it!
-I would have changed my mind and not moved work locations.
-I would have changed my mind about my living conditions also.
-I would have changed the fact that the guy who is supposed to me my dad hardly talks to me or my brother anymore. This really bothers me..but I talk until I am blue in the face and it does not one bit of good.

Any New Years Resolutions for 2009?

-No, no resolutions for me. I don't understand why people make them in the first place, because for me, I would have already broken them, and then I would have been depressed for the next year because I was not able to accomplish them. It is a waste of time to sit down and say out loud all of these things that you want to change, when for the last 6 years of your life, they have always been the same. Nope, for me, I know what has to be done, no one needs to hear it out loud and that is good enough for me.

Take any fun trips or vacations this year?

-No, but I wish.

Best part of 2008 and the worst part of 2008?

-I think that I already answered this with the first two questions...please see above :)

What was your biggest achievement?

-I would have to say nothing. I feel that I am still an ongoing achievement in who and what I am trying to become and do with myself. Don't push me though, it takes time to get it right!!

What was the best thing you bought and the worst thing you bought?

-I would say that the best thing I bought this year would have to be everything that I bought that I wanted. I don't think that I would be able to list one particular item. If for me, I wanted to and bought it, then it would have been the best purchase.
-I don't think that this falls under the best purchase column but I did get introduced to the wonderful world of panty buying...I didn't realize how sexy it made one person feel until they had those little pieces of material against their bodies...and how addicting it has become to find the cutest ones out there...OH WOW. To the person who introduced me, I thank you.
-I would have to say the worst purchase that I made this year was.....? I don't think that I made a "Worst Purchase".

Best advice of the year and the worst advice of the year?

-The best advice that I got this year was to always be yourself and listen to your heart.
-The worst advice was that I followed that stupid fuckin saying, and just ended up regretting it, just as I knew I would.

Did you meet anyone new this year?

-Yes a couple of new people.

Any new love interests flowing over into 2009?

-NO

Get your heart broken by anyone this year?

-I would not say that I got my heart broken, because you have to put your heart out there and that is something that I learned not to do!! I might have gotten my feelings hurt a couple of times...but that wont happen again because I will not put my feelings out there to get walked all over like I don't matter.

One-night stands?

-Yes...if you are single, you have one night stands; I don't care who you are and if you say that you haven't then I think you are a fibber....

Anything hot/steamy enough to make your blood boil?

-Well, there was this one vision of a black mask and whip...

Any new body piercings or tattoo work?

-Nope

Plan the demise or death of someone who hurt you?

-Yes...and I think that I might need medications!!

What was your favorite movie?

-Twilight

Worst Movie?

-Rocky and Rambo. I don't know if they came out in 2008, but I say them both recently and I have to just say honestly that they really sucked ass big time!!!

Read any good books?

-The Twilight series was really good.

Meet any new people who you now consider friends?

-Yes, and they are quite awesome.

So, in closing, I must say that all in all 2008 was just like any other year. My life really doesn't change that much from year to year that has me gasping in anticipation. My New Years was very quite since I am single and once again the same old company that I had was my dog, the T.V and a bunch of drunk friends.. I watched the fireworks from bed this year and talked to my really drunk brother on the phone, my dad called me, which made me happy and I actually ended up feeling a little sad that I was going to bed alone with no one to wake up too. Oh well, such is life.