Pressure

My head hurts
throbbing behind my eyes
pressure building like
water in a tight balloon.

My eyes are closed to the
bright light that is
called Life.

I don't want to see anymore
pain and expressions
of doubt and mistrust.

I will walk alone
through the murky trenches
of my thoughts and fears.

Please don't let my eyes
give away the pain
that's inside me.

The pain will be over soon
with the throbbing slowly
receding into my empty
core.

Just a matter of time now

Realizations suck

So, it is almost the end of November. I finally got all the Dr stuff out of the way. Everything came back good. My lower part is still not as good as the Dr wants, still abnormal cells and spots and he still wants to do a biopsy, but I am in no rush. The breast was something that I was worried about, so I actually did go have the ultrasound done on the lump they found...turns out to be nothing and this maybe the best news that I get in a long time. He congratulated me on my 40lb weight loss and told me to keep it up. I told him that I was going all that way so that next year I will have a new body since people don't seem to like the old one very much. He asked me if there was any thing bothering me...wonder why he asked that. I told him no, there was nothing bothering me, MUCH, and just told him that I was tired of being me: fat, ugly, sad. I told him there was nothing to worry about, my brain was just stuck on stupid for a minute, but that once I got a coffee my life would be back to normal. I wonder why he stared at me like I was lying. I told him to move on to the next series of questions or I was leaving. Sometimes its hard holding it all in.

Its almost Thanksgiving (man, where did the year go?) and my brother and I decided we were going to have Turkey. We are going to cook together, and then we are probably going to end up going out to my Aunt's house for dinner. I hope she makes her home made yeast rolls. If I am going to eat regular food, this is one of the things that I want the most.

This time of year that makes me sad that I am alone. I want someone to spend the day with, visit friends and family with. It's hard going over to my friends houses because they are all married or have long term boyfriends or are almost married. It is sad when you are the only single one in the group. There is a guy that I like, but I am not sure of the outcome. Whatever happens, he will be a great addition to my group of friends.

This is also the time when I miss my mom the most. All the rituals that we used to do together, I miss those so much. I miss getting up a 5 am with her to have coffee and start the "Bird" so the men of the house could waked up to wonderful food smells. I loved playing Backgammon with her over coffee and complaining how much the giblets used to stink up the house. But, I will never forget the look on her face or the way her laugh sounded. I will never forget the way she used to tell me things whispered into my ear for only me to hear. I will never forget just sitting there, staring at her and making a memory. It is hard to believe that in March it will be 6 years that she has been dead.

It is sad to say, but this year, there are not too many things that I am thankful for. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, a job to pay my bills, friends and family that love me, and a dog who looks forward to getting fed when I get home and kisses when I lay down.

Is this it? Because, if it is, I am one sad sad person.

Sadly, this is it.

New Skin

How do I keep a straight face
when the words that I hear
are all just a bunch of fillers?

How do I keep the voices
inside my head quiet
enough so that I can
shout from my lungs that
my heart just cannot
take anymore?

How do I keep my eyes
from seeing the truth
that your eyes are seeing someone
else when I look at you?

I want to rip my skin off and replace it
with every thing that I am not....
Tender, Soft, Lovable, Beautiful

I want to tell my heart to keep beating
that the wall does not need to go back up

The feeling inside my chest is aching,
puncture wounds are making my heart bleed
small trails of blood down my chest.

The insecurities are back in place just like once before
Forever fighting to have just one normal moment of
Peace.

Peace that will never come to this ugly, unlovable body

Until it gets new skin

Lots of baby fun

So yesterday I went to one of my very first baby showers. I was told that you need to bring a gift and a pack of diapers, be entered in a raffle, and if they call your name at the end of the shower, you win a prize. Ok, this is a piece of cake right...I didn't know what I was getting myself into because no one ever told me what baby showers were like. So...

I talk to my BGF Monica and we decided that we were going to ride together due to lack of parking spaces at my other BGF Jana's house. I was supposed to pick her up at 11, but you know me, I show up fashionably late at 1130. (hehe) Which actually turned out in my favor because I called before I left, and when I got there, she STILL WAS NOT ready to go. LOL!!!

We take a trip down to Tukwila and head over to Target, one of the places my BGF Thais is registered. For starters, I didn't even know that they did that. I knew that you could register for a wedding, but not a baby shower. It was pretty cool. So we print out her register, which is "6" pages long and head to the baby department.

Ok, this is where I get nervous, because, HOLY CRAP do they make a lot of stuff for babies. And for a person who has NO KIDS AT ALL, I want to state for the record that this is kinda mean to make them go baby shopping. I stood there lookin kinda stupid, and looked at Monica, who does this all the time since she is a grandma, who was browsing up and down the isles like a champ!!

I kept thinking to myself: What am I going to get; What the hell is this thing with all these cords and suction cups (turned out to be a double breast pump...who knew?!?!); This toy does not really look all that stable and so on and so on. I mean really!! I am looking around 7-8 isles and I have no clue what to get. Then Monica also drops the bomb on me that I also need to get a pack of diapers...WHAT THE HELL?

Ok, now this is a totally different experience all together. Placed before me were about 5-6 shelves with an endless supply of diapers. They have some for newborns, premies, kids who are born weighing 20 lbs, kids who are walking, crawling, learning to roll over...some with leak guards, poop guards, pull ups, some with pictures, some with words, some with gel, no gel....and ones that I cannot even remember! AAAAHHH my brain cannot handle this.

I turn around because I am getting ready to have a melt down, and I see Monica casually walk over the the "Wall O Diapers", stand there for about 2 seconds, grab a pack of diapers and toss them into the cart, all the while she is giving this lady standing next to her diaper 101; telling her the best kinds to buy, the not so good kinds, and I am thinking...um HELLO standing here too. Ok, now this is where I wanted to start getting hostile...You have got to be kidding me, RIGHT???? I take in a deep breathe, trying to keep myself calm, walk over to her, she looks me square in the face and STARTS LAUGHING AT ME. Calls me a DORK then heads off with our 6 page torture device that is going to give me an ulcer or cause me to kill my BGF. However, since she picked out the diapers first, I just grabbed what she did and called it good.

Now it is time for the main event..the big kahuna, the MAIN GIFT. Ok, so why does everything pretty much look the same. I mean some have different colors on them, some may have the rainforest painted on it, but when you get right down to it, they are all the same. Then how come they all don't cost the same?? I saw a highchair that went for almost $250. What are they thinking. And the funny thing is, is that it was not even the cutest one there. They have bouncers and walkers and bouncer/walkers together, these little hammock things that the kid lays in, you hit a button, it plays music and vibrates..(hmm I wonder if they make this chair in my size.)

I walked up and down each isle, and I have to tell you, that I am really glad that I don't have more friends who are pregnant. I don't think that I could do this again so soon. There were so many things on the list, that I really didn't know where to start, so I ended up in the baby blanket isle, which just so happens to be the same isle with the baby monitors in it. Lo and behold, there was the baby monitors who name matched the one on the torture list. That is what she got. Got some receiving blankets (which I don't quite understand the whole blanket/receiving blanket/receiving cloths area either) went and found a cute bag and we made our way for the check stand. We put the bags together in the back of my truck and headed for the shower.

Ok, so I thought the shopping part was hard, yeah right. You have a large group of women who are all wearing this plastic "chupa" around their necks gunning for other women to say the forbidden word "baby". Now, if you say this word, you better brace yourself. You never know when they are going to pop out in front of you, yell "HA I HEARD THAT" scare the shit out of you and demand your chupa. How is this really fair when you barely said the word out loud? Man, these ladies have great hearing!!!

Then comes the games. The only thing that I have to say about this is that Jana's sister has way too much time on her hands. These games were so hard, that I just stared at them like they were tests from the 6th grade. The first game was that you had to match up baby names with the adult version (ie..If the adult is a dog, what would be the baby name). Who the hell knows what a baby turkey is called??? I still think that I had the best answer with "dinner". But a baby turkey is called a Polt. Now, how in the hell would I honestly know that? I still think that I should have won the prize for this game, since I did have so many great answers.

The second game, which was just ridiculous, was that you have to match up the name of a candy bar to the list of events that lead up to the actual birth of the baby. I know, just right here I get lost (ie..What was the daddies name at time of conception...the candy bar would have been "SUPER HUNK" and the actual conception part was the candy bar "SCORE") This game, I think that I got 3, but I might have cheated a little off "Lita" who was sitting next to me telling me that the breast's at breast feeding times where called Lollipops because you can suck on them. HAHAHA Oly told her that she was telling "Lito" that she was talking nasty and "Lita" just sat there laughing. I think that my Lita is probably in her late 70's and one little firecracker. LOL

The 3rd game, I refused to play. You had to open up the diapers and guess what kind of candy bar was melted into the bottom of it by, smelling it; tasting it; and feeling it. Ok, one look in the diaper and I was good. No game for me thanks, I'll be over by the celery if you need me.

Then came the present opening. She got lots of great stuff and was so excited over the baby clothes. I do admit that they are some of the cutest things that I have ever seen. And my absolute favorite is seeing babies with their big little butts from the diapers in a pair of cords, matching shirt and tennis shoes. Can't get any cuter than that.

Thais's baby shower was a great success. Lots of fun had by all the ladies, many many laughs and the thought in the back of everyones head was who is going to be next. Thank God I am not in the line up for this one.

IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE-VOTE 2008

I am a strong, powerful woman who knows that I can make a change. I know that my voice will be heard if I choose to let it be. I live my life free and clear of any type of drama. I choose this life because it is what best suits me.

The last 8 years have been completely drama filled with wars, lies, deceit, death death and death!!!

We changed that today! We said enough is enough! We wanted change, and we will make it happen!

WE WILL VOTE OBAMA! OUR VOICES ARE HEARD!

Haunted Forest...what a blast!!

So, while visiting my girlfriends for lunch one day, we were trying to decide what to do for Halloween. We were throwing in ideas and I was remembering last year when I went to the Haunted Forest down in Buckley. I started to tell them about it and they all got excited and said that that was what we should do.

I got ready, thinking that not only did I look cute, but I was going to be warm as well. The only thing that made me a little sad was that I didn't have anyone to share my cute glow in the dark halloween panties with. It really sucks being single when you do things with your couple friends. Oh well!

We all showed up over at Aleasha's house at around 6. It was Aleasha and her husband Chuey, Jana and her boyfriend Ray, Oly, Monica and I. BTW, these are my favorite people in the whole world. So we pile into cars and head out. Its about an hour drive and in the pitch black, and for not having any directions, I must say that we did pretty good, with only having to turn around once!

The thing about my group is that we are all pretty much the same. We love scary movies (the bloodier the better) but in heart, we are all chickens. We talk a mean game, but as we are waiting in line, Ray looks over at us and states "At anytime during this, if the Zombies come, I will trip you all to survive!" This coming from a guy who says he never gets scared. HAHA

Its our turn now, and as we head out into PITCH BLACK CORN MAZE, it is Chuey followed by Aleasha, Oly, Ray, Jana, Me and then Monica. You really have to stop and think about why people really go into the dark, in a corn field, to have the crap scared out of them. Is it a chemical imbalance in our brains that make us do it? I really don't know what it is, but I have to tell you, that I would do it over again in a heart beat.

Ok, we are all walking along now, and at the first signs of trouble, Aleasha starts laughing. When we get scared or nervous, we start laughing. Yeah, if it came down to something chasing me, I would die...I can't run and laugh at the same time. I really cant see much, just the outline of Jana's jacket. It was really dark. And it was raining about a half hour before, so it was all muddy on top of it.

As we are walking, there are people jumping out at us, strobe lights going off, large blasts of air hitting us on the legs, people jumping out at us, large amounts of vibrations on our feet with this chainsaw noises, guys running around with chainsaws, various obstacles with CREEPY CLOWNS that make me cringe..I really have a thing about clowns...THEY SCARE ME!!

Half way through, this guy who was cloaked all in black, laying on the side of the path jumped out and scared the crap out of Ray. It was so FUNNY. He jumped and said a couple of choice words. AWESOME We make our way up the path and there is Freddy Kruger in the path and lets everyone but Monica and I pass. He makes us go a different path, which takes us into the completely black box. I am walking with Monica pressed right against my back and hit a wall. As I turn, something brushes my cheek, which sent me into a panic. I grabbed Monica's hand, and something else, SORRY MAMMA! and pretty much crawl all over her trying to get out. There is banging sounds going off and walls blocking me...I can't move because there is another stupid wall in my way. Somewhere I can hear the rest of the group laughing and screaming. I am pressed against the wall with Monica's arms wrapped around me, we trip and as I try to grab onto something, I hit cloth, it moves and I can see light....YES, WE MADE IT!!! As we are walking through the corn, I hear laughter, turn the corner and see the rest of the group.

Through more corn, up and over a bridge and through the chain link fence maze with even more strobe lights, we finally make it out of the maze. And at the perfect time because we all have to use the bathroom.

It was a perfect night. It stopped raining and was actually not that cold outside. It was filled with lots of laughter, good friends and something to talk about for the next couple of days. We have already decided that we will go back next year!