A long time...

Today is the day to spend with the people that you love. Today is Christmas and everyone is supposed to be happy, loving and in the spirit of the season. The season that I think has been blown out of proportion.

We are supposed to be celebrating the rise of our savior. Instead, everyone runs around trying to outdo people in gift buying; seeing how much they can put themselves into debt for, all for items that will more than likely be used once or twice and then forgotten in a cupboard somewhere.

Your supposed to be around people that love you and who you love. Laughter over drinks and hugs over good food. Smiles in peoples eyes who you haven't seen in years; this is what it is all about.

This is what I miss. I miss not having someone in my life to share these moments with. The hand holding, hugging, stolen kisses around the corner under the stupid flower hanging from the ceiling.

I may not believe in our savior in the traditional sense, but I do believe in love. Love that has seemed to skip over me in one way or another. Love that never seems to find me.

My own choices may be to blame for this, but they were my choices and I shouldn't be punished forever. Forever is a very long time.

I'm desperate to be happy, crave it actually. Don't understand why it is so difficult to find someone out there who wants to be with me. I don't think that I am that bad of a person.

Pushing my buttons: Overtime!!!

I got up this morning and had an awesome outlook on life. I took a hot shower, sang a little bit, my hair even did what I wanted it to. Went and did some retail therapy and had a very yummy soy carmel latte. I was able to get my dog into the hair groomers without any problems and set up an appointment for 4 p.m.. I don't have much of a life now a days so I thought "What the hell, we will spend all day down south and head home after his hair appointment."

Things in my life are not going the way that I had planned, but it was a nice change to have things go the way that I WANTED THEM too for a change.

I picked up the dog, put his bed in my SUV and headed out. Since moving to Bothell, I have not really been able to find a decent off-leash dog park to take him too, so I thought I would take him to the park in Federal Way and let him run around and get nice and muddy before his hair appointment. They just hate it when I do that, but I would rather have him all nice and muddy before he got his hair cut then after.

When I got there, armed with my latte in one had and the dog in the other, I stashed my BRAND NEW Dolce Gabana purse ( a wonderful purchase on Black Friday) under the front seat, set the alarm and headed out for some fun. I just love to watch Chaz run around having fun. He gets this look on his face like he is actually smiling and it is the most comical thing to watch. He found a couple of dogs that were at least 3 times his size to play with and came out looking like he just went to SLOBBER FEST. It was really gross because he was so excited he had these streamers of drool hanging from the corners of his mouth...Nasty!!

I looked at my phone and saw that there was about an hour to go before his appointment, so I got him some water and told him that we were going to go. I got to the fence and put his walk a bout on him and headed for the truck. I was chatting with another couple on the way out and as I got to my truck, I looked thru the front window and said to myself that the window did not look right.

I walked to the passenger side of my truck and could not believe that someone had smashed the shit out of the fucking window. All I could do was say NO NO NO as I stuck my head in the window and saw that the bed had been moved and my purse was FUCKING GONE! Now, I know that it was stupid of me to leave my purse in the car, but I have done it for years and really didn't think that with as many people parked, coming and going, that there was going to be any issue. Not to mention that I have been going to the same park for years.

There was glass everywhere. I don't know what they used to bust in the window, but SHIT what a big fucking mess. It shattered into a million little pieces all over the front seat of the truck. And of all the times not to have one of those handy little brooms.

So, they got everything. My wallet, all my cards, my work badge and work keys, my beloved BUS PASS, drivers license...everything! HAHA assholes but you didn't get cash, I never carry cash!! I just spent $60 on makeup that I didn't even get to open yet. My day planner with all my appointments; basically, my entire life. The only thing that I am great full they didn't steal was my cell phone and my keys. I have a key pad alarm so all I have to do is punch in the code and it unlocks the front door. Most of the time I just lock my keys in the truck and use the key pad. So, I guess it could have been a lot worse.

The couple that I walked out with noticed that I was just standing there and came over to ask if everything was OK. When the lady saw what happened the first words out of her mouth was "Oh shit, did they get anything?" When I told her that they got my purse, I then said at least they didn't steal my stereo. That would have really pissed me off.

After calling the police, I was standing there talking to a couple of people and this one guy was telling me that in the last 2 weeks, there have been at least 20 cars broken into in the same lot, with the last one happening just last week. He said that the police were saying they think they have a person who sits in the car and watches people. He asked me if I put my purse under the seat after I got there and I told him yes. He said that he thought that the police were in fact correct and that there was probably someone who watched me do it and then waited until everyone was inside. He then went on a rampage about how he couldn't wait until the "fucking bastards tried it again and how he would just love to catch them in the act". Gotta love old men who think they are Chuck Norris.

And to make matters worse, this is a Saturday, and I had plans to go over to my friends house tonight and help her and her family decorate their tree. The shit storm always seems to follow me where ever I go.

So, now I am laying here on my bed, missing my beautiful purse, thinking how much I would love to be out and about enjoying the night air. Man, this really SUCKS.

I woke up thinking positive thoughts and tonight I am slapped with the realization that I HATE (and I don't use this word freely) fucking people who suck off the rest of humanity because you can't get your fucking life together and think that it is easier to steal from people than to get a life. Grow up you fucking assholes and just remember that what comes around goes around and next time it is going to be your shit that gets stolen you FUCKING DICK HEADS!!!! KARMA IS A BITCH WITH A VENGEANCE!!

Pressure

My head hurts
throbbing behind my eyes
pressure building like
water in a tight balloon.

My eyes are closed to the
bright light that is
called Life.

I don't want to see anymore
pain and expressions
of doubt and mistrust.

I will walk alone
through the murky trenches
of my thoughts and fears.

Please don't let my eyes
give away the pain
that's inside me.

The pain will be over soon
with the throbbing slowly
receding into my empty
core.

Just a matter of time now

Realizations suck

So, it is almost the end of November. I finally got all the Dr stuff out of the way. Everything came back good. My lower part is still not as good as the Dr wants, still abnormal cells and spots and he still wants to do a biopsy, but I am in no rush. The breast was something that I was worried about, so I actually did go have the ultrasound done on the lump they found...turns out to be nothing and this maybe the best news that I get in a long time. He congratulated me on my 40lb weight loss and told me to keep it up. I told him that I was going all that way so that next year I will have a new body since people don't seem to like the old one very much. He asked me if there was any thing bothering me...wonder why he asked that. I told him no, there was nothing bothering me, MUCH, and just told him that I was tired of being me: fat, ugly, sad. I told him there was nothing to worry about, my brain was just stuck on stupid for a minute, but that once I got a coffee my life would be back to normal. I wonder why he stared at me like I was lying. I told him to move on to the next series of questions or I was leaving. Sometimes its hard holding it all in.

Its almost Thanksgiving (man, where did the year go?) and my brother and I decided we were going to have Turkey. We are going to cook together, and then we are probably going to end up going out to my Aunt's house for dinner. I hope she makes her home made yeast rolls. If I am going to eat regular food, this is one of the things that I want the most.

This time of year that makes me sad that I am alone. I want someone to spend the day with, visit friends and family with. It's hard going over to my friends houses because they are all married or have long term boyfriends or are almost married. It is sad when you are the only single one in the group. There is a guy that I like, but I am not sure of the outcome. Whatever happens, he will be a great addition to my group of friends.

This is also the time when I miss my mom the most. All the rituals that we used to do together, I miss those so much. I miss getting up a 5 am with her to have coffee and start the "Bird" so the men of the house could waked up to wonderful food smells. I loved playing Backgammon with her over coffee and complaining how much the giblets used to stink up the house. But, I will never forget the look on her face or the way her laugh sounded. I will never forget the way she used to tell me things whispered into my ear for only me to hear. I will never forget just sitting there, staring at her and making a memory. It is hard to believe that in March it will be 6 years that she has been dead.

It is sad to say, but this year, there are not too many things that I am thankful for. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, a job to pay my bills, friends and family that love me, and a dog who looks forward to getting fed when I get home and kisses when I lay down.

Is this it? Because, if it is, I am one sad sad person.

Sadly, this is it.

New Skin

How do I keep a straight face
when the words that I hear
are all just a bunch of fillers?

How do I keep the voices
inside my head quiet
enough so that I can
shout from my lungs that
my heart just cannot
take anymore?

How do I keep my eyes
from seeing the truth
that your eyes are seeing someone
else when I look at you?

I want to rip my skin off and replace it
with every thing that I am not....
Tender, Soft, Lovable, Beautiful

I want to tell my heart to keep beating
that the wall does not need to go back up

The feeling inside my chest is aching,
puncture wounds are making my heart bleed
small trails of blood down my chest.

The insecurities are back in place just like once before
Forever fighting to have just one normal moment of
Peace.

Peace that will never come to this ugly, unlovable body

Until it gets new skin

Lots of baby fun

So yesterday I went to one of my very first baby showers. I was told that you need to bring a gift and a pack of diapers, be entered in a raffle, and if they call your name at the end of the shower, you win a prize. Ok, this is a piece of cake right...I didn't know what I was getting myself into because no one ever told me what baby showers were like. So...

I talk to my BGF Monica and we decided that we were going to ride together due to lack of parking spaces at my other BGF Jana's house. I was supposed to pick her up at 11, but you know me, I show up fashionably late at 1130. (hehe) Which actually turned out in my favor because I called before I left, and when I got there, she STILL WAS NOT ready to go. LOL!!!

We take a trip down to Tukwila and head over to Target, one of the places my BGF Thais is registered. For starters, I didn't even know that they did that. I knew that you could register for a wedding, but not a baby shower. It was pretty cool. So we print out her register, which is "6" pages long and head to the baby department.

Ok, this is where I get nervous, because, HOLY CRAP do they make a lot of stuff for babies. And for a person who has NO KIDS AT ALL, I want to state for the record that this is kinda mean to make them go baby shopping. I stood there lookin kinda stupid, and looked at Monica, who does this all the time since she is a grandma, who was browsing up and down the isles like a champ!!

I kept thinking to myself: What am I going to get; What the hell is this thing with all these cords and suction cups (turned out to be a double breast pump...who knew?!?!); This toy does not really look all that stable and so on and so on. I mean really!! I am looking around 7-8 isles and I have no clue what to get. Then Monica also drops the bomb on me that I also need to get a pack of diapers...WHAT THE HELL?

Ok, now this is a totally different experience all together. Placed before me were about 5-6 shelves with an endless supply of diapers. They have some for newborns, premies, kids who are born weighing 20 lbs, kids who are walking, crawling, learning to roll over...some with leak guards, poop guards, pull ups, some with pictures, some with words, some with gel, no gel....and ones that I cannot even remember! AAAAHHH my brain cannot handle this.

I turn around because I am getting ready to have a melt down, and I see Monica casually walk over the the "Wall O Diapers", stand there for about 2 seconds, grab a pack of diapers and toss them into the cart, all the while she is giving this lady standing next to her diaper 101; telling her the best kinds to buy, the not so good kinds, and I am thinking...um HELLO standing here too. Ok, now this is where I wanted to start getting hostile...You have got to be kidding me, RIGHT???? I take in a deep breathe, trying to keep myself calm, walk over to her, she looks me square in the face and STARTS LAUGHING AT ME. Calls me a DORK then heads off with our 6 page torture device that is going to give me an ulcer or cause me to kill my BGF. However, since she picked out the diapers first, I just grabbed what she did and called it good.

Now it is time for the main event..the big kahuna, the MAIN GIFT. Ok, so why does everything pretty much look the same. I mean some have different colors on them, some may have the rainforest painted on it, but when you get right down to it, they are all the same. Then how come they all don't cost the same?? I saw a highchair that went for almost $250. What are they thinking. And the funny thing is, is that it was not even the cutest one there. They have bouncers and walkers and bouncer/walkers together, these little hammock things that the kid lays in, you hit a button, it plays music and vibrates..(hmm I wonder if they make this chair in my size.)

I walked up and down each isle, and I have to tell you, that I am really glad that I don't have more friends who are pregnant. I don't think that I could do this again so soon. There were so many things on the list, that I really didn't know where to start, so I ended up in the baby blanket isle, which just so happens to be the same isle with the baby monitors in it. Lo and behold, there was the baby monitors who name matched the one on the torture list. That is what she got. Got some receiving blankets (which I don't quite understand the whole blanket/receiving blanket/receiving cloths area either) went and found a cute bag and we made our way for the check stand. We put the bags together in the back of my truck and headed for the shower.

Ok, so I thought the shopping part was hard, yeah right. You have a large group of women who are all wearing this plastic "chupa" around their necks gunning for other women to say the forbidden word "baby". Now, if you say this word, you better brace yourself. You never know when they are going to pop out in front of you, yell "HA I HEARD THAT" scare the shit out of you and demand your chupa. How is this really fair when you barely said the word out loud? Man, these ladies have great hearing!!!

Then comes the games. The only thing that I have to say about this is that Jana's sister has way too much time on her hands. These games were so hard, that I just stared at them like they were tests from the 6th grade. The first game was that you had to match up baby names with the adult version (ie..If the adult is a dog, what would be the baby name). Who the hell knows what a baby turkey is called??? I still think that I had the best answer with "dinner". But a baby turkey is called a Polt. Now, how in the hell would I honestly know that? I still think that I should have won the prize for this game, since I did have so many great answers.

The second game, which was just ridiculous, was that you have to match up the name of a candy bar to the list of events that lead up to the actual birth of the baby. I know, just right here I get lost (ie..What was the daddies name at time of conception...the candy bar would have been "SUPER HUNK" and the actual conception part was the candy bar "SCORE") This game, I think that I got 3, but I might have cheated a little off "Lita" who was sitting next to me telling me that the breast's at breast feeding times where called Lollipops because you can suck on them. HAHAHA Oly told her that she was telling "Lito" that she was talking nasty and "Lita" just sat there laughing. I think that my Lita is probably in her late 70's and one little firecracker. LOL

The 3rd game, I refused to play. You had to open up the diapers and guess what kind of candy bar was melted into the bottom of it by, smelling it; tasting it; and feeling it. Ok, one look in the diaper and I was good. No game for me thanks, I'll be over by the celery if you need me.

Then came the present opening. She got lots of great stuff and was so excited over the baby clothes. I do admit that they are some of the cutest things that I have ever seen. And my absolute favorite is seeing babies with their big little butts from the diapers in a pair of cords, matching shirt and tennis shoes. Can't get any cuter than that.

Thais's baby shower was a great success. Lots of fun had by all the ladies, many many laughs and the thought in the back of everyones head was who is going to be next. Thank God I am not in the line up for this one.

IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE-VOTE 2008

I am a strong, powerful woman who knows that I can make a change. I know that my voice will be heard if I choose to let it be. I live my life free and clear of any type of drama. I choose this life because it is what best suits me.

The last 8 years have been completely drama filled with wars, lies, deceit, death death and death!!!

We changed that today! We said enough is enough! We wanted change, and we will make it happen!

WE WILL VOTE OBAMA! OUR VOICES ARE HEARD!

Haunted Forest...what a blast!!

So, while visiting my girlfriends for lunch one day, we were trying to decide what to do for Halloween. We were throwing in ideas and I was remembering last year when I went to the Haunted Forest down in Buckley. I started to tell them about it and they all got excited and said that that was what we should do.

I got ready, thinking that not only did I look cute, but I was going to be warm as well. The only thing that made me a little sad was that I didn't have anyone to share my cute glow in the dark halloween panties with. It really sucks being single when you do things with your couple friends. Oh well!

We all showed up over at Aleasha's house at around 6. It was Aleasha and her husband Chuey, Jana and her boyfriend Ray, Oly, Monica and I. BTW, these are my favorite people in the whole world. So we pile into cars and head out. Its about an hour drive and in the pitch black, and for not having any directions, I must say that we did pretty good, with only having to turn around once!

The thing about my group is that we are all pretty much the same. We love scary movies (the bloodier the better) but in heart, we are all chickens. We talk a mean game, but as we are waiting in line, Ray looks over at us and states "At anytime during this, if the Zombies come, I will trip you all to survive!" This coming from a guy who says he never gets scared. HAHA

Its our turn now, and as we head out into PITCH BLACK CORN MAZE, it is Chuey followed by Aleasha, Oly, Ray, Jana, Me and then Monica. You really have to stop and think about why people really go into the dark, in a corn field, to have the crap scared out of them. Is it a chemical imbalance in our brains that make us do it? I really don't know what it is, but I have to tell you, that I would do it over again in a heart beat.

Ok, we are all walking along now, and at the first signs of trouble, Aleasha starts laughing. When we get scared or nervous, we start laughing. Yeah, if it came down to something chasing me, I would die...I can't run and laugh at the same time. I really cant see much, just the outline of Jana's jacket. It was really dark. And it was raining about a half hour before, so it was all muddy on top of it.

As we are walking, there are people jumping out at us, strobe lights going off, large blasts of air hitting us on the legs, people jumping out at us, large amounts of vibrations on our feet with this chainsaw noises, guys running around with chainsaws, various obstacles with CREEPY CLOWNS that make me cringe..I really have a thing about clowns...THEY SCARE ME!!

Half way through, this guy who was cloaked all in black, laying on the side of the path jumped out and scared the crap out of Ray. It was so FUNNY. He jumped and said a couple of choice words. AWESOME We make our way up the path and there is Freddy Kruger in the path and lets everyone but Monica and I pass. He makes us go a different path, which takes us into the completely black box. I am walking with Monica pressed right against my back and hit a wall. As I turn, something brushes my cheek, which sent me into a panic. I grabbed Monica's hand, and something else, SORRY MAMMA! and pretty much crawl all over her trying to get out. There is banging sounds going off and walls blocking me...I can't move because there is another stupid wall in my way. Somewhere I can hear the rest of the group laughing and screaming. I am pressed against the wall with Monica's arms wrapped around me, we trip and as I try to grab onto something, I hit cloth, it moves and I can see light....YES, WE MADE IT!!! As we are walking through the corn, I hear laughter, turn the corner and see the rest of the group.

Through more corn, up and over a bridge and through the chain link fence maze with even more strobe lights, we finally make it out of the maze. And at the perfect time because we all have to use the bathroom.

It was a perfect night. It stopped raining and was actually not that cold outside. It was filled with lots of laughter, good friends and something to talk about for the next couple of days. We have already decided that we will go back next year!

Instinct

Looking into her deep sensual eyes, you draw her to you
Grasping her arms, gently licking her lips
With just one breath, held by your manhood
You make her arch and moan

With feather like touches
Slow burning kisses
You caress her breasts
Slowly moving down to her stomach
Over her prominent hips
Now between her silky thighs

You undo her belt
You tug on the button
Releasing her from her cotton cage,
Her zipper slowly falls
As your fingers slide down the cold metal confines
They tremble with anticipation

Her heat calls to him
Radiating her every desire
She is yearning, begging,
He knows what she wants

He feels it in his primal thoughts
Primal Urges
It is his primal desire, she is his everything

The anticipation is great
as he slides the smooth cotton trousers to the floor
His face moves down her fresh warm skin
His hands are on his feet
He lifts eyes and gazes upon her world

His magnificiant jaw aches
to know the wonder that it holds

Firm gentle pressure to the back of his head
Her hands rubbing through his thick black hair

As his hands move up her ivory white skin
Her body writhes with pleasure
That has been known by no other

Happy

I just want to tell the world that I am happy

I am dropping down my guards and letting myself feel
This is scary, happy, nerve racking, smile making...
Slowly and surely...peacefully

Today I look in the mirror
And I like what I see
I am happy, I am beautiful
I am at ease with myself

The insecurities are dwindling away
but for now, the doors stay locked
This is OK with me

For the peace I see
is in the smile that reflects
back at me

Forever lasts.....forever

Wednesday, I had the pleasure of meeting the most wonderful couple.

I saw them as they came into the clinic, and as they were holding hands, I thought to myself that they must be the cutest thing that I have ever seen. They looked to be in their early 90's, both short, wrinkled, and walking at their own pace.

The first thing that I noticed was the husbands spunk. He stopped to look at the pictures on the walls, all the while his wife was tugging his hand, telling him to move it or he was going to be late. Then came the familiar gripe that you hear most common from the husbands, "I don't need to be here, what am I doing here, this is a wasted trip, I feel fine." She just shook her head and kept him moving to the check in counter.

Awhile later, I hear the shuffle of feet and the sound of paper going into the wall holder. I take a drink of coffee and get up to grab the next lab slip. I see the cute couple in the chairs and they both just give me the biggest smiles ever. I say Hi to them and ask how they are doing. They both reply that they are fine, but the husband states that he hates this part because he has to get his blood drawn and a flu shot.

I tell him that he can come on back and he gets up to follow me into the lab. I tell him to remove his jacket and have a seat in the big green chair. He sits and starts to tell me about the weather outside and how his wife made him wear so many layers. She comes to the door way and I tell her that she can have a seat in the lab with us if she wants too. She sits in the next big green chair and starts to tell me that if she didn't remind him to put on so many layers that he would constantly nag about how cold he is.

I look at her and then I look at him. I am putting labels onto tubes and ask them how long they have been married. He pops of with, "It's been so long, I've lost track", then he starts to laugh. His wife just shakes her head and says that that is his favorite line and wished he would get a new one. They just celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary and all their kids and grandkids took them out to a fabulous Chinese dinner, except that her feet swelled that night because of all the salt, but they just love it cold the next morning for breakfast. THIS MADE ME SMILE!!

Both of these people are so cute, that I have to stop for a moment and just stare at them. Can a love really last this long? Can a love still remain fresh and new for over 70 years? Can two people look at each other with the same look of love as when they first met..and still honestly mean it?

I think that I have found my answer, and it would be a YES. Love can stand a life time. Love can stand the ups and downs of life. If two people go in with the understanding that they are who they are, they will make it. Love unconditionally is alive, and it has given me a ray on sunshine.

As I get done and he is putting his shirt on, he tells me that he has not had his blood drawn from someone so pretty and gentle before. He told me that my guy is really lucky to have a sweet one like me. I smile and tell him that there is no guy for me...and he tells me not to lose hope. I tell him that no hope is lost, and when the time is right for me, it will happen. He smiles and shakes my hand.

They get up from the chairs and as they are walking away, he pats her on the butt, she laughs and he tells her that he wants to buy her a sandwich.

Thank you for giving me something to smile about today. Thank you for giving me a renewed hope and faith in love. Thank you for letting me get a glimpse of your love for each other...
thank you for just being YOU.

Your Beauty...My pleasure

I look at you across the room

standing against the wall

proud, withdrawn

silently looking

waiting, watching...

I try to read your face

eyes giving nothing away

your face like stone

chiseled into a 

smile-less mask

I come to you

I need to touch  you

Press my body against you

while I lose my fingers

in your vast forest

of thick brown hair

Run my tongue

across your bottom lip

tasting your juices

making me drunk 

fever rising inside me

You turn me

Push me against the wall

your heat flowing over me

like a wave of power...of sex

making me dizzy, weak kneed

You whisper in my ear

that you will control me

you will take me

crave me

 

Your eyes bore into me

searching for painless

endeavors, non-committed

feasts of pain and pleasure

As you look into my 

large brown eyes  

somehow you know

that all there will be is  

truth, patience, pleasure

You know that I have come for you

Your face breaks

stone falls away 

leaving a thick, rich 

beautiful smile

My secret

I smile pretty

my eyes give nothing away

You may be able to see

some hint of emotion

but is that what you 

are really seeing

What I am really feeling

I want so much to 

be able to call you

mine

Run my fingers

through your hair

Caress your brow 

with my lips

Taste you on my tongue, linger

your scent filling my nose

until I can't breathe

Let this emotion

crawl up me 

like millions of little ants

making their way to burrow

a hole in my heart

I don't know how to open the door

it has been locked for so long

but yet I can feel it

BOOM...BOOM...BOOM

behind my door of insecurities

For now, it is my secret

My big move

So, this is the weekend, well actually, a little before, that I make my move.

I don't want to move, I like my apartment, but family helps out family when they need it.  You know, i must be the best sister in the world.

Both my brothers owe me big time!!

A new start

This is it...today I hit 30, so I took the day off work!

I used to sit and listen to my mom talk about how she just wanted to make it until 30, because her 20's were crazy.  Then she just wanted to make it to 40, closer to retirement and how if she lived until 50, she would be ahead of the game....Mamma, you were so close, so close.

As I sit and remember her, I think to myself that I am just happy to be here.  Lots of things have happened in the last couple of years, but at least I am still here to enjoy the things that make me happy.

My BF Leash called me and asked me to give her 3 wishes that I wanted to come true.  I told her that one of my wishes were that my brother, dad and I could all sit together in a room and just be happy.  The next wish was to have all my friends in one place, have  a cold beer, and just enjoy their company.  The last wish I was not going to tell her, because it will never happen, and no use in speaking it out loud!

I was told to be at her house early this weekend for my party...don't just show up when ever you want too!!

I called my dad, left another message...spoke with my brother, who was working and couldn't talk, and my other brother who was too busy getting laid to answer the phone

I went to visit my mom's grave.  Sat for a bit and just spoke about what was going on in my life.  I don't have anyone to really talk to anymore, since she was my listening post.

What was that...was that my phone.  I run back to the truck...and to my suprise

HOLY CRAP, my dad called me back.

Lets meet. Lets have lunch, I want to see you.  I miss you my daughter.  I don't get to see enough of you anymore.

I call my friend and cancel our lunch plans, because my dad has finally called me back.

3 hours later, I finally realize that my dad has stood me up yet again.  Through my tears, I call once more...Don't call me for awhile I tell him in his message.  I am really pissed.

At least Monica still wants to have lunch with me.  Yo te amo mucho MAMMA

My entire family forgets about my birthday

but my friends let me know that they love me

I will not let this get me down

I have the best weekend...

All my friends show up

lots of beer

lots and lots of laughter

My phone rang at 12 am

I hear, 

Happy Birthday Richona

I love you...can I come see you?

That is the end for me

The best day ever

So Aleasha calls me,

want to go spend the day in the mountains?

We are leaving at 4 am

Lets take your truck, our truck and meet the guys for a day of fun in the mud and snow.

So I get to the house around 3 am and there is activity all around me...man this is too early, and I have not had coffee yet.

A hot cup is stuffed into my right hand, and sleeping bags into my left hand.  Chuey looks at me and tells me to make myself useful.  Load up so we can get on the road.

The drive was long, but man was it worth it.  We got there about 8 am and woke all the guys up.  We laughed because they all were still drunk from the night before and had only been in bed for a couple of hours.  Joe looked at us and told us that he really thought we were gonna be late...of all days to show up on time.  HAHA

My first time going 4x4 ing.  It was a rush...I laughed so hard all day, that I almost peed my pants a couple of times.  Over the walkie talkie Joe tells me that my laugh is addicting, that I have everyone in his truck laughing at nothing....this is a good thing!!  My BF sitting in the front seat with me...hair bouncing all around, it was amazing and yet again, so funny.  I did find out however, that it is way too difficult to try and drink and hit mud puddles all at the same time...I found that I wore most of my soda on my sweatshirt then i got in my mouth.

Around the bend was the BIGGEST mud puddle that I have ever seen in my entire life.  I was however, too scared to take in my truck.  We all sat and watched Albert and Randy play hard and play fast.  Then with all of our windows down, Albert decided to spray us all with mud from his big ass tires...now we all smell like POO!  He thought this was sooo funny.

Over the walkie talkie we hear, getting dark now, time to head back to camp.  Time to feed the kids, change into warmer clothing.  

Long drive back home, but thats ok

It was the best day ever!

Out with the old and in with the new

So, as you can tell, I have not blogged in awhile.  I have brought over some old stuff, which is all below this posting.  The pieces that I brought over are what I am still dealing with; either in my head or in my heart (which are one of the same in my case).  In the long run, do we ever really let go and cure ourselves by just walking away?  I don't think so.

I was talking to some friends and they told me that I should write.  They see that look on my face and they remind me that this is the best way for me to let go of what I am feeling.  Few words out loud, but load of words on paper.  This is how I am most comfortable.

That way, the only person that gets hurt in the end of the day is me.  When I write, I don't have to look at anyone(s) face while I tell my secrets, my pain, my pleasure...my everythings.

I try to remind myself everyday that if I make myself believe that I am too busy, lock out too many people or never trust my heart again, I am going to watch the rest of my life just fly by me.

Then where will I be?? The same place that I am now?? and that is why I am Here...as I am now

Pick me...please

I saw you yesterday...unloading your truck.

Sorry that I didn't have time to talk,

I told you later

was already running late

You tell me that it was worth it

gave you a reason to pick me up this morning

You tell me that you just had to see my smile,

look into my beautiful eyes

hear me laugh

You tell me to close my eyes

you have something for me

nothing major

just because you care

You know I like bags...love them.

You know I collect bracelets..thank you!

Then you ruin it

You tell me that they are not hers.

You bought them for me

they are not left overs...????

Did the look on my face shock you

because your words shocked me

I tell you to pull over

you say don't be ridiculous

we are almost there

I get out, you run to my side

I am angry...the only time I will let you see

me cry

You tell me that you are a fool

how careless you were with your words

its all because

You just want to show me that you care

You just want me to pick you

You just want me to love you

How do I look at you and tell you that once again

you have broken my heart?

How long will I do this to myself?

I don't really hate myself this much...do I?

A day in MUD

I wake up to your cold nose

digging into my neck

small whimpers

come from your tiny mouth

You have the best memory

you remember the conversation

from the night before

the only word you heard

PARK

7 am...what was I thinking

Get dressed

so cold, its raining again

Stop for coffee

must love drive-thru's

You are barking as we pull in

you see some old friends

your face is so cute

that big smile

Off your leash

you run like a crazy person

trying to get as much mud on you

as possible

Damn, I forgot the crate

the car is gonna be a mess

Oh well!!!

You are black with mud now

making water fly as you run back and forth

your friends behind you

all barking 

having so much fun

I huddle with all the other parents

the smell of coffee all around

making us smile

We laugh at you all

out there having so much fun

Wonder what it is like to be you

free and happy

no worries or cares

no drama or questions

You run to me

shivering

time to go

But you are still smiling

my day is complete

My new friend

I sometimes stop

to forget that I have to think of me

If I am rushing around

I feel as tho I never get anywhere

Never get anything done

Why am i always late...if I constantly live

by my watch

So I did something for me today

Bad day at work,

long wet raining commute home

Pulled into the store

looking for food

Saw you sitting there

looking sad

looking confused

"Free to good home or we drop him off in an apartment complex"

sign was attached to you

I walked up and you looked me straight in the eye

sat on my foot 

and I just knew

They said your name was Chaz

I thought, what a big mess you were

You were cute

I took you home

I fed you

And for the last 3 years I have

Loved you

What am I supposed to do?

I keep asking myself what am I supposed to do?

I can't keep it straight anymore.

My head says one thing, but my stupid heart....is going to kill me.

So "D" has been in my thoughts a lot lately.

I went to see him and shouldn't have.

It is hard for me to admit when I care about someone. I cared about "D" so much when we first started dating, that I didn't know to pace myself.  Pace myself, what the hell does that mean. Well I learned, and it was the hard way.

I think that is why it takes me so long to trust people.  He ripped my trust out and ground it into the ground right in front of me.  He could have at least done it behind my back, I don't think that it would have hurt so much....maybe or maybe not????

Thinking about this, and talking to my BF Leash...I know what I have to do.

I will lose yet again...

I told him tonight that I could only be friends with him because he is married.  I don't and will not do that.  I refuse to break up a home.

He tells me that he is having so many problems and that he is looking for a way out.  He is not in love anymore, hasn't been for a long time.  Please don't leave him, he needs me.  He needs me because I make him laugh, make him happy.  He loves the smile that I give him just because it is him that I am looking at.  He grabs my arm...Please Richona, don't take this away from me...I'm begging.

I have to leave...before I cry.

I love him...but I will never tell him

I miss him...but I will never tell him

Why now....follow up 2 years later

I get off the bus with 

my head full of music

and my nose full of the 

wonderful aroma of coffee

Thank God for coffee at 6am

it is cold and raining

Stupid me 

forgot

my umbrella

Take the first hot

sweet drink of coffee

Thru the music

I hear you scream my name

I look around stupid...

I don't know anyone in Seattle

Except for that asshole bus driver!!!

There you are, sitting in your truck

you stop in the middle of traffic

run to me, grab me, hug me

"Holy Shit....you look exactly the same"

you whisper in my ear

God, how I have missed your scent

your face, your arms, your perfect lips

You give me your phone number

and take me to work...I have missed 3 busses now

My mind reels

you were my first love

my first lust

my first crush

You were also my first 

heartache, ulcer, damage do-er

You hug me, kiss me, laugh at me

"Can't believe I saw you, I have waited years to see you again!

I have missed you...so much catching up to do with you"

But I have to tell you

Let me break your heart once more,

Now I am married

Hate

I am sorry that I could not be what you wanted

A loving wife, mother to your children

things that had not even happened yet.

I am sorry that you look at me with pity

tell me to wipe the tears from my face

grow up and move on

leave the house

cook for me

do something....anything

I am sorry that my heart is broken

and you think that I no longer need you

Maybe you are right

but did you ever stop to think

that you just weren't listening...

I needed help, that is why I cried

I needed you to listen, that is why I screamed

I needed you to wrap your arms around me

and tell me that you loved me

I needed you to stay

but you left

You told me it had been long enough

You told me I was crazy

just like her

She was a bitch, and now so was I

I fucking hate you!!

Death

I came to see you yesterday

You were so beautiful

your eyes glowing like fire

your smile...So beautiful...Don't ever stop

You can kill me with your laugh

did I ever tell you that?

You were sitting in your bed

happy because Aunti just 

washed your hair

You were on a high!

You laugh about your tattoo idea

...who knew Nemo would have gotten to you

You say, "Oh Sissy, we are both crippled, but beautiful"

You were never crippled...just beaten

You died today

And all the love that I have ever had, went away with you

You were the ROCK

our STRENGTH

Our light went out when you left us

Dads sounds of loss, look of terror when he sees me

Jer spinning out of control

Now I am deaf

My beautiful love

my heart is forever broken

without you

Romance always gives you motive

Eyes seeking you out
making you feel sexy
but yet they
embarrass you

Heat crawling up my body

Hands between smooth
white thighs
caressing them like
soft dough balls

Undress me with your mouth
wet, hot, sloppy
kisses

Wet fingers roaming

I want to tell you to stop
this is too soon

My brain misfires
tiny flames blast infront of
my eyes

Roll over in a daze
gently touches
light kisses

You say out loud...

I am not looking

but this was fun
this is not the best time for me
Dont call me....
I will call you

Motive

Why now....

You tell me to wait
please stay...dont go
Im coming right back

One more time
I sit and wait
like a rock on the beach
watching the waves roll by

Is this it....
is this what I asked for
this lonely ache...crushing

ALMOST 8 YEARS LATER

You finally come....

you say you have missed me

that what you have now
its not good enough

You make my life

happy

full

almost worth opening up for

You say What is not it....

Its not my smile
...not my eyes
that you missed

You missed me

and only me

the best thing

You laugh

I laugh

Then...

It was good for awhile

before it all went bad

And I lost you again