Instinct

Looking into her deep sensual eyes, you draw her to you
Grasping her arms, gently licking her lips
With just one breath, held by your manhood
You make her arch and moan

With feather like touches
Slow burning kisses
You caress her breasts
Slowly moving down to her stomach
Over her prominent hips
Now between her silky thighs

You undo her belt
You tug on the button
Releasing her from her cotton cage,
Her zipper slowly falls
As your fingers slide down the cold metal confines
They tremble with anticipation

Her heat calls to him
Radiating her every desire
She is yearning, begging,
He knows what she wants

He feels it in his primal thoughts
Primal Urges
It is his primal desire, she is his everything

The anticipation is great
as he slides the smooth cotton trousers to the floor
His face moves down her fresh warm skin
His hands are on his feet
He lifts eyes and gazes upon her world

His magnificiant jaw aches
to know the wonder that it holds

Firm gentle pressure to the back of his head
Her hands rubbing through his thick black hair

As his hands move up her ivory white skin
Her body writhes with pleasure
That has been known by no other

Happy

I just want to tell the world that I am happy

I am dropping down my guards and letting myself feel
This is scary, happy, nerve racking, smile making...
Slowly and surely...peacefully

Today I look in the mirror
And I like what I see
I am happy, I am beautiful
I am at ease with myself

The insecurities are dwindling away
but for now, the doors stay locked
This is OK with me

For the peace I see
is in the smile that reflects
back at me

Forever lasts.....forever

Wednesday, I had the pleasure of meeting the most wonderful couple.

I saw them as they came into the clinic, and as they were holding hands, I thought to myself that they must be the cutest thing that I have ever seen. They looked to be in their early 90's, both short, wrinkled, and walking at their own pace.

The first thing that I noticed was the husbands spunk. He stopped to look at the pictures on the walls, all the while his wife was tugging his hand, telling him to move it or he was going to be late. Then came the familiar gripe that you hear most common from the husbands, "I don't need to be here, what am I doing here, this is a wasted trip, I feel fine." She just shook her head and kept him moving to the check in counter.

Awhile later, I hear the shuffle of feet and the sound of paper going into the wall holder. I take a drink of coffee and get up to grab the next lab slip. I see the cute couple in the chairs and they both just give me the biggest smiles ever. I say Hi to them and ask how they are doing. They both reply that they are fine, but the husband states that he hates this part because he has to get his blood drawn and a flu shot.

I tell him that he can come on back and he gets up to follow me into the lab. I tell him to remove his jacket and have a seat in the big green chair. He sits and starts to tell me about the weather outside and how his wife made him wear so many layers. She comes to the door way and I tell her that she can have a seat in the lab with us if she wants too. She sits in the next big green chair and starts to tell me that if she didn't remind him to put on so many layers that he would constantly nag about how cold he is.

I look at her and then I look at him. I am putting labels onto tubes and ask them how long they have been married. He pops of with, "It's been so long, I've lost track", then he starts to laugh. His wife just shakes her head and says that that is his favorite line and wished he would get a new one. They just celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary and all their kids and grandkids took them out to a fabulous Chinese dinner, except that her feet swelled that night because of all the salt, but they just love it cold the next morning for breakfast. THIS MADE ME SMILE!!

Both of these people are so cute, that I have to stop for a moment and just stare at them. Can a love really last this long? Can a love still remain fresh and new for over 70 years? Can two people look at each other with the same look of love as when they first met..and still honestly mean it?

I think that I have found my answer, and it would be a YES. Love can stand a life time. Love can stand the ups and downs of life. If two people go in with the understanding that they are who they are, they will make it. Love unconditionally is alive, and it has given me a ray on sunshine.

As I get done and he is putting his shirt on, he tells me that he has not had his blood drawn from someone so pretty and gentle before. He told me that my guy is really lucky to have a sweet one like me. I smile and tell him that there is no guy for me...and he tells me not to lose hope. I tell him that no hope is lost, and when the time is right for me, it will happen. He smiles and shakes my hand.

They get up from the chairs and as they are walking away, he pats her on the butt, she laughs and he tells her that he wants to buy her a sandwich.

Thank you for giving me something to smile about today. Thank you for giving me a renewed hope and faith in love. Thank you for letting me get a glimpse of your love for each other...
thank you for just being YOU.

Your Beauty...My pleasure

I look at you across the room

standing against the wall

proud, withdrawn

silently looking

waiting, watching...

I try to read your face

eyes giving nothing away

your face like stone

chiseled into a 

smile-less mask

I come to you

I need to touch  you

Press my body against you

while I lose my fingers

in your vast forest

of thick brown hair

Run my tongue

across your bottom lip

tasting your juices

making me drunk 

fever rising inside me

You turn me

Push me against the wall

your heat flowing over me

like a wave of power...of sex

making me dizzy, weak kneed

You whisper in my ear

that you will control me

you will take me

crave me

 

Your eyes bore into me

searching for painless

endeavors, non-committed

feasts of pain and pleasure

As you look into my 

large brown eyes  

somehow you know

that all there will be is  

truth, patience, pleasure

You know that I have come for you

Your face breaks

stone falls away 

leaving a thick, rich 

beautiful smile

My secret

I smile pretty

my eyes give nothing away

You may be able to see

some hint of emotion

but is that what you 

are really seeing

What I am really feeling

I want so much to 

be able to call you

mine

Run my fingers

through your hair

Caress your brow 

with my lips

Taste you on my tongue, linger

your scent filling my nose

until I can't breathe

Let this emotion

crawl up me 

like millions of little ants

making their way to burrow

a hole in my heart

I don't know how to open the door

it has been locked for so long

but yet I can feel it

BOOM...BOOM...BOOM

behind my door of insecurities

For now, it is my secret

My big move

So, this is the weekend, well actually, a little before, that I make my move.

I don't want to move, I like my apartment, but family helps out family when they need it.  You know, i must be the best sister in the world.

Both my brothers owe me big time!!

A new start

This is it...today I hit 30, so I took the day off work!

I used to sit and listen to my mom talk about how she just wanted to make it until 30, because her 20's were crazy.  Then she just wanted to make it to 40, closer to retirement and how if she lived until 50, she would be ahead of the game....Mamma, you were so close, so close.

As I sit and remember her, I think to myself that I am just happy to be here.  Lots of things have happened in the last couple of years, but at least I am still here to enjoy the things that make me happy.

My BF Leash called me and asked me to give her 3 wishes that I wanted to come true.  I told her that one of my wishes were that my brother, dad and I could all sit together in a room and just be happy.  The next wish was to have all my friends in one place, have  a cold beer, and just enjoy their company.  The last wish I was not going to tell her, because it will never happen, and no use in speaking it out loud!

I was told to be at her house early this weekend for my party...don't just show up when ever you want too!!

I called my dad, left another message...spoke with my brother, who was working and couldn't talk, and my other brother who was too busy getting laid to answer the phone

I went to visit my mom's grave.  Sat for a bit and just spoke about what was going on in my life.  I don't have anyone to really talk to anymore, since she was my listening post.

What was that...was that my phone.  I run back to the truck...and to my suprise

HOLY CRAP, my dad called me back.

Lets meet. Lets have lunch, I want to see you.  I miss you my daughter.  I don't get to see enough of you anymore.

I call my friend and cancel our lunch plans, because my dad has finally called me back.

3 hours later, I finally realize that my dad has stood me up yet again.  Through my tears, I call once more...Don't call me for awhile I tell him in his message.  I am really pissed.

At least Monica still wants to have lunch with me.  Yo te amo mucho MAMMA

My entire family forgets about my birthday

but my friends let me know that they love me

I will not let this get me down

I have the best weekend...

All my friends show up

lots of beer

lots and lots of laughter

My phone rang at 12 am

I hear, 

Happy Birthday Richona

I love you...can I come see you?

That is the end for me

The best day ever

So Aleasha calls me,

want to go spend the day in the mountains?

We are leaving at 4 am

Lets take your truck, our truck and meet the guys for a day of fun in the mud and snow.

So I get to the house around 3 am and there is activity all around me...man this is too early, and I have not had coffee yet.

A hot cup is stuffed into my right hand, and sleeping bags into my left hand.  Chuey looks at me and tells me to make myself useful.  Load up so we can get on the road.

The drive was long, but man was it worth it.  We got there about 8 am and woke all the guys up.  We laughed because they all were still drunk from the night before and had only been in bed for a couple of hours.  Joe looked at us and told us that he really thought we were gonna be late...of all days to show up on time.  HAHA

My first time going 4x4 ing.  It was a rush...I laughed so hard all day, that I almost peed my pants a couple of times.  Over the walkie talkie Joe tells me that my laugh is addicting, that I have everyone in his truck laughing at nothing....this is a good thing!!  My BF sitting in the front seat with me...hair bouncing all around, it was amazing and yet again, so funny.  I did find out however, that it is way too difficult to try and drink and hit mud puddles all at the same time...I found that I wore most of my soda on my sweatshirt then i got in my mouth.

Around the bend was the BIGGEST mud puddle that I have ever seen in my entire life.  I was however, too scared to take in my truck.  We all sat and watched Albert and Randy play hard and play fast.  Then with all of our windows down, Albert decided to spray us all with mud from his big ass tires...now we all smell like POO!  He thought this was sooo funny.

Over the walkie talkie we hear, getting dark now, time to head back to camp.  Time to feed the kids, change into warmer clothing.  

Long drive back home, but thats ok

It was the best day ever!

Out with the old and in with the new

So, as you can tell, I have not blogged in awhile.  I have brought over some old stuff, which is all below this posting.  The pieces that I brought over are what I am still dealing with; either in my head or in my heart (which are one of the same in my case).  In the long run, do we ever really let go and cure ourselves by just walking away?  I don't think so.

I was talking to some friends and they told me that I should write.  They see that look on my face and they remind me that this is the best way for me to let go of what I am feeling.  Few words out loud, but load of words on paper.  This is how I am most comfortable.

That way, the only person that gets hurt in the end of the day is me.  When I write, I don't have to look at anyone(s) face while I tell my secrets, my pain, my pleasure...my everythings.

I try to remind myself everyday that if I make myself believe that I am too busy, lock out too many people or never trust my heart again, I am going to watch the rest of my life just fly by me.

Then where will I be?? The same place that I am now?? and that is why I am Here...as I am now

Pick me...please

I saw you yesterday...unloading your truck.

Sorry that I didn't have time to talk,

I told you later

was already running late

You tell me that it was worth it

gave you a reason to pick me up this morning

You tell me that you just had to see my smile,

look into my beautiful eyes

hear me laugh

You tell me to close my eyes

you have something for me

nothing major

just because you care

You know I like bags...love them.

You know I collect bracelets..thank you!

Then you ruin it

You tell me that they are not hers.

You bought them for me

they are not left overs...????

Did the look on my face shock you

because your words shocked me

I tell you to pull over

you say don't be ridiculous

we are almost there

I get out, you run to my side

I am angry...the only time I will let you see

me cry

You tell me that you are a fool

how careless you were with your words

its all because

You just want to show me that you care

You just want me to pick you

You just want me to love you

How do I look at you and tell you that once again

you have broken my heart?

How long will I do this to myself?

I don't really hate myself this much...do I?

A day in MUD

I wake up to your cold nose

digging into my neck

small whimpers

come from your tiny mouth

You have the best memory

you remember the conversation

from the night before

the only word you heard

PARK

7 am...what was I thinking

Get dressed

so cold, its raining again

Stop for coffee

must love drive-thru's

You are barking as we pull in

you see some old friends

your face is so cute

that big smile

Off your leash

you run like a crazy person

trying to get as much mud on you

as possible

Damn, I forgot the crate

the car is gonna be a mess

Oh well!!!

You are black with mud now

making water fly as you run back and forth

your friends behind you

all barking 

having so much fun

I huddle with all the other parents

the smell of coffee all around

making us smile

We laugh at you all

out there having so much fun

Wonder what it is like to be you

free and happy

no worries or cares

no drama or questions

You run to me

shivering

time to go

But you are still smiling

my day is complete

My new friend

I sometimes stop

to forget that I have to think of me

If I am rushing around

I feel as tho I never get anywhere

Never get anything done

Why am i always late...if I constantly live

by my watch

So I did something for me today

Bad day at work,

long wet raining commute home

Pulled into the store

looking for food

Saw you sitting there

looking sad

looking confused

"Free to good home or we drop him off in an apartment complex"

sign was attached to you

I walked up and you looked me straight in the eye

sat on my foot 

and I just knew

They said your name was Chaz

I thought, what a big mess you were

You were cute

I took you home

I fed you

And for the last 3 years I have

Loved you

What am I supposed to do?

I keep asking myself what am I supposed to do?

I can't keep it straight anymore.

My head says one thing, but my stupid heart....is going to kill me.

So "D" has been in my thoughts a lot lately.

I went to see him and shouldn't have.

It is hard for me to admit when I care about someone. I cared about "D" so much when we first started dating, that I didn't know to pace myself.  Pace myself, what the hell does that mean. Well I learned, and it was the hard way.

I think that is why it takes me so long to trust people.  He ripped my trust out and ground it into the ground right in front of me.  He could have at least done it behind my back, I don't think that it would have hurt so much....maybe or maybe not????

Thinking about this, and talking to my BF Leash...I know what I have to do.

I will lose yet again...

I told him tonight that I could only be friends with him because he is married.  I don't and will not do that.  I refuse to break up a home.

He tells me that he is having so many problems and that he is looking for a way out.  He is not in love anymore, hasn't been for a long time.  Please don't leave him, he needs me.  He needs me because I make him laugh, make him happy.  He loves the smile that I give him just because it is him that I am looking at.  He grabs my arm...Please Richona, don't take this away from me...I'm begging.

I have to leave...before I cry.

I love him...but I will never tell him

I miss him...but I will never tell him

Why now....follow up 2 years later

I get off the bus with 

my head full of music

and my nose full of the 

wonderful aroma of coffee

Thank God for coffee at 6am

it is cold and raining

Stupid me 

forgot

my umbrella

Take the first hot

sweet drink of coffee

Thru the music

I hear you scream my name

I look around stupid...

I don't know anyone in Seattle

Except for that asshole bus driver!!!

There you are, sitting in your truck

you stop in the middle of traffic

run to me, grab me, hug me

"Holy Shit....you look exactly the same"

you whisper in my ear

God, how I have missed your scent

your face, your arms, your perfect lips

You give me your phone number

and take me to work...I have missed 3 busses now

My mind reels

you were my first love

my first lust

my first crush

You were also my first 

heartache, ulcer, damage do-er

You hug me, kiss me, laugh at me

"Can't believe I saw you, I have waited years to see you again!

I have missed you...so much catching up to do with you"

But I have to tell you

Let me break your heart once more,

Now I am married

Hate

I am sorry that I could not be what you wanted

A loving wife, mother to your children

things that had not even happened yet.

I am sorry that you look at me with pity

tell me to wipe the tears from my face

grow up and move on

leave the house

cook for me

do something....anything

I am sorry that my heart is broken

and you think that I no longer need you

Maybe you are right

but did you ever stop to think

that you just weren't listening...

I needed help, that is why I cried

I needed you to listen, that is why I screamed

I needed you to wrap your arms around me

and tell me that you loved me

I needed you to stay

but you left

You told me it had been long enough

You told me I was crazy

just like her

She was a bitch, and now so was I

I fucking hate you!!

Death

I came to see you yesterday

You were so beautiful

your eyes glowing like fire

your smile...So beautiful...Don't ever stop

You can kill me with your laugh

did I ever tell you that?

You were sitting in your bed

happy because Aunti just 

washed your hair

You were on a high!

You laugh about your tattoo idea

...who knew Nemo would have gotten to you

You say, "Oh Sissy, we are both crippled, but beautiful"

You were never crippled...just beaten

You died today

And all the love that I have ever had, went away with you

You were the ROCK

our STRENGTH

Our light went out when you left us

Dads sounds of loss, look of terror when he sees me

Jer spinning out of control

Now I am deaf

My beautiful love

my heart is forever broken

without you

Romance always gives you motive

Eyes seeking you out
making you feel sexy
but yet they
embarrass you

Heat crawling up my body

Hands between smooth
white thighs
caressing them like
soft dough balls

Undress me with your mouth
wet, hot, sloppy
kisses

Wet fingers roaming

I want to tell you to stop
this is too soon

My brain misfires
tiny flames blast infront of
my eyes

Roll over in a daze
gently touches
light kisses

You say out loud...

I am not looking

but this was fun
this is not the best time for me
Dont call me....
I will call you

Motive