Geesh...I almost forgot my log in and password...its been that long.
I used to think that I would not run out of things to say...and then I did.
The problem was was that I was so focused on living in other peoples moments that I forgot how to live in mine. So worried what people thought of me and trying to make people like it and getting hurt in the process.
I was a stupid girl on a stupid road of self torture...wanting things that were never really in my grasp to call "mine" and knowing that I was never good enough to get them...or was I?
BWWaaahh
Monday, February 7, 2011
Friday, February 19, 2010
Ache in the Spark
You make me ache...
I hurt thinking about you
wondering if you miss me.
Do you ever wonder what happened
Do you think about it at all
To what could have been
Do you miss me at all
To what we weren't
To what we were
I hurt thinking about you
wondering if you miss me.
Do you ever wonder what happened
Do you think about it at all
To what could have been
Do you miss me at all
To what we weren't
To what we were
Friday, January 8, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Years night.....
Its always sad when you have to go to functions by yourself when the evening is classified that it is supposed to be shared with a partner/lover/best friend. You look forward to that 1st kiss of the year, and when it doesn't happen and you once again go home alone, how the hell are you supposed to have a good New Years???
Just something that I was pondering...
New Year's was great. Lots of friends who are more like my family now that I really stop and think about it. With lots of beer, chips and dip and a full night of laughing hard it turned out to be.....
Ooops cannot say anything more. My best girlfriend who's house the party was thrown at stated that her house is like Vegas. What happens there....stays there.
Lots of memories from last night that will stay with me forever
Just something that I was pondering...
New Year's was great. Lots of friends who are more like my family now that I really stop and think about it. With lots of beer, chips and dip and a full night of laughing hard it turned out to be.....
Ooops cannot say anything more. My best girlfriend who's house the party was thrown at stated that her house is like Vegas. What happens there....stays there.
Lots of memories from last night that will stay with me forever
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmas time again
Merry Christmas to everyone.
Christmas eve was so much fun this year. My brother was working so instead of staying home alone with the pooch, I pretty much house hopped.
Went and spent time with my dad and even helped him wrap his girlfriends Xmas gift. I am the ultimate gift wrapper!!
I went and saw my other brother who I haven't seen in a while and also spent time with my dad's side of the family who I pretty much haven't seen since my mom died. It was an ok time.
I went and spent time with my best friend and her entire extended family on her boyfriend (husbands) side. The are the best group of people that I have ever met. They make me feel wanted and act like the are genuinely happy to see me. "Lita told me that I am welcome when ever I want to come over." She is the sweetest lady that I have ever met. I got to watch the kids, all my friends who are by no means kids, work with her to make homemade Tamales. From filling the bowl with Mesa, to watching each of their techniques on how to fill the corn husks. Each of them totally different but they all worked in creating yummy filled husks. Watched as Lita filled the husks with her meat filling and lining the pan with them with expertise. I am told that these are really special and coveted because they only get them one time a year. I can totally understand on why that is...they took a really really long time to make, and by midnight, they were still not done. And, I must say that her bean and chile tamales were hot, spicy and the best that I have ever tasted. I have never had a homemade tamale in my life, and it was worth the 32 years of waiting!!!
I got to sit in on their tradition last night, and it meant the world to me to be invited to share it with them. I watched as they bantered back and forth, how they are so involved with each others lives, and how much love this family has for one another. From the young to the old, they hold each other in great respect. A true family if I have ever seen one. I know each family has their own problems, and they have them probably just as much as the next, but this family also has life. Something that I have missed for a really loong time.
The pile of presents under the beautiful tree was something to look at, and all the people piling on top of each other in the living room. All the excited looks on everyones face was something priceless. The presents were sitting there teasing the small children who were so excited to open them to see what treasures that they had received. I don't know if this is a tradition or not, but each time one of the kids asked if it was time to open a present, the time got later and later. Lita finally said as everyone finished pie at 11pm, that it was time to open gifts.
As gifts were passed around, and the eyes getting bigger and bigger on all the kids, pictures were snapped to perfection with the memories captured to last a lifetime. From the serious gifts of beautiful works of art to the hysterically funny "Superman Underwear" that were actually worn on the outside of the pants, had us all laughing and snapping pictures that would no doubt be on someone's face book in the morning. HAHA
As people got ready to leave around 1am, the mood was light, and still some how energetic.
I tell you, this was the best time that I have had in a long time. And even though I felt alone and lonely, I was never once unloved. I love my friends and their families with ALL my heart and thank them for everything that they gave me last night, I will never forget it.
Christmas eve was so much fun this year. My brother was working so instead of staying home alone with the pooch, I pretty much house hopped.
Went and spent time with my dad and even helped him wrap his girlfriends Xmas gift. I am the ultimate gift wrapper!!
I went and saw my other brother who I haven't seen in a while and also spent time with my dad's side of the family who I pretty much haven't seen since my mom died. It was an ok time.
I went and spent time with my best friend and her entire extended family on her boyfriend (husbands) side. The are the best group of people that I have ever met. They make me feel wanted and act like the are genuinely happy to see me. "Lita told me that I am welcome when ever I want to come over." She is the sweetest lady that I have ever met. I got to watch the kids, all my friends who are by no means kids, work with her to make homemade Tamales. From filling the bowl with Mesa, to watching each of their techniques on how to fill the corn husks. Each of them totally different but they all worked in creating yummy filled husks. Watched as Lita filled the husks with her meat filling and lining the pan with them with expertise. I am told that these are really special and coveted because they only get them one time a year. I can totally understand on why that is...they took a really really long time to make, and by midnight, they were still not done. And, I must say that her bean and chile tamales were hot, spicy and the best that I have ever tasted. I have never had a homemade tamale in my life, and it was worth the 32 years of waiting!!!
I got to sit in on their tradition last night, and it meant the world to me to be invited to share it with them. I watched as they bantered back and forth, how they are so involved with each others lives, and how much love this family has for one another. From the young to the old, they hold each other in great respect. A true family if I have ever seen one. I know each family has their own problems, and they have them probably just as much as the next, but this family also has life. Something that I have missed for a really loong time.
The pile of presents under the beautiful tree was something to look at, and all the people piling on top of each other in the living room. All the excited looks on everyones face was something priceless. The presents were sitting there teasing the small children who were so excited to open them to see what treasures that they had received. I don't know if this is a tradition or not, but each time one of the kids asked if it was time to open a present, the time got later and later. Lita finally said as everyone finished pie at 11pm, that it was time to open gifts.
As gifts were passed around, and the eyes getting bigger and bigger on all the kids, pictures were snapped to perfection with the memories captured to last a lifetime. From the serious gifts of beautiful works of art to the hysterically funny "Superman Underwear" that were actually worn on the outside of the pants, had us all laughing and snapping pictures that would no doubt be on someone's face book in the morning. HAHA
As people got ready to leave around 1am, the mood was light, and still some how energetic.
I tell you, this was the best time that I have had in a long time. And even though I felt alone and lonely, I was never once unloved. I love my friends and their families with ALL my heart and thank them for everything that they gave me last night, I will never forget it.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
To wrap up another year...where does it all go???
I haven't posted for awhile, so I have lots to say...get over it and read on.
In a little less than 1 week, another year will come to an end. Not sure how or where it went, but all I can do is just itch my head and be thankful that I made it through another year.
As I think over this past year, I just shake my head and wonder to myself why we do the things that we do. I must admit, that not all my endeavors were bad, some I wish I had never done or wish the outcome had turned out differently; But in all honesty, this year, they were all mainly great times spent with wonderful people whom I love with all my heart. The best thing that we could have done was invented "Girls card night".
2009 was the year for trying new things and meeting new people. Met many people, some who I have come to call great friends, but most were people who made a small appearances, not large enough to matter much but slight enough to remember.
There is always that one person who we meet in life that can heal our hearts, our minds and gives us our lives back.
I sometimes wish that person was still in my life. I let my guard down and actually felt as though things might have been different. It must have been the snow and that friggin hat. I fell for him the second that I saw him, and our conversation had been one of the best I had had in a long time. We just walked and talked; walked and talked about nothing at all while stomping around in the snow. And while our conversations stopped meaning anything to you, and I knew that I was becoming your last resort, I will miss your face and your smile. I miss your long passionate blood boiling kisses and the strength of your hands. Most of all, I just miss you.
Whatever.....moving on now.....
Work was great to me this year, as I am still employed and have no fears of loosing my security. Half way through the year I started working with a Dr again. Where as I told myself that I was done working with Dr's, this has to be one of the better moves that I have done in awhile...GO ME!! She makes the day enjoyable, and when you work in HC, you need as much enjoyment during the day that you can get.
My family is well.
My brother just graduated from school, and is now an RT. He worked hard and it shows. He got offered a job before school was over and now is ready to start his new career. Made me very proud of him!
My dad is well. I wish that I knew more, but he has his own life. Being an adult is sometimes hard, because we get so busy and wrapped up in our own lives, we tend to neglect the things that matter the most. I miss my dad. I miss seeing him all the time, talking to him all the time. Us not seeing each other is not all his fault, I do take the blame as much as I push it out. I just wish things had turned out differently. I just want him to be happy and it breaks my heart that I don't know if he is or not.
My other brother...I have no clue. I hope that the decisions that he makes in his life are good ones, and that he is happy. That is all I care about. That and he knows how much I love him.
The rest of my family...I have no clue. I will not try to be apart of peoples lives who do not try to be apart of mine. I hate the lying and the fakeness of trying to fit in a place that I do not belong, or am wanted. My true family stayed with me after my mom died. The rest of the "family" went on their own way. Not the way a family is supposed to act, but that is what they did...and it was their choice.
My friends...what can I say....they are the greatest bunch of people who I have ever met. I do not need to name names as they know who they are. They kept me sane throughout the year and made me hold my head up high when all I felt like was giving up. They are brave enough to tell me to get my shit together and pull my head out of my ass. They tell me that I am loved and that I belong to them. They make me feel as though I am part of the family, and constantly show me that it is ok to love and show it. From them, I have had a secret crush for about 4 years..and even though I know that it will never go anywhere, that is perfectly fine with me. Just knowing that there is one person that I am secretly in love with shows that yes, I am not broken and I can still do it.
I HAVE THE GREATEST FRIENDS IS THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!
What does 2010 have in store for me? I have no idea. I cannot possibly think of what could happen, but I do know that even though I do not make resolutions, there will be certain changes that I make. Personally, financially and emotionally. However, no matter what I do, it will be out of love for myself and everyone that is close in my bubble.
I hope this New Year brings better things to people in the world. My hope is that people see the good in each other and try to be a little nicer, help a little more and stop all the hatred they hold for each other.
BRING ON 2O1O, I THINK THAT WE ARE READY
And I will be posting more in this New Year.
In a little less than 1 week, another year will come to an end. Not sure how or where it went, but all I can do is just itch my head and be thankful that I made it through another year.
As I think over this past year, I just shake my head and wonder to myself why we do the things that we do. I must admit, that not all my endeavors were bad, some I wish I had never done or wish the outcome had turned out differently; But in all honesty, this year, they were all mainly great times spent with wonderful people whom I love with all my heart. The best thing that we could have done was invented "Girls card night".
2009 was the year for trying new things and meeting new people. Met many people, some who I have come to call great friends, but most were people who made a small appearances, not large enough to matter much but slight enough to remember.
There is always that one person who we meet in life that can heal our hearts, our minds and gives us our lives back.
I sometimes wish that person was still in my life. I let my guard down and actually felt as though things might have been different. It must have been the snow and that friggin hat. I fell for him the second that I saw him, and our conversation had been one of the best I had had in a long time. We just walked and talked; walked and talked about nothing at all while stomping around in the snow. And while our conversations stopped meaning anything to you, and I knew that I was becoming your last resort, I will miss your face and your smile. I miss your long passionate blood boiling kisses and the strength of your hands. Most of all, I just miss you.
Whatever.....moving on now.....
Work was great to me this year, as I am still employed and have no fears of loosing my security. Half way through the year I started working with a Dr again. Where as I told myself that I was done working with Dr's, this has to be one of the better moves that I have done in awhile...GO ME!! She makes the day enjoyable, and when you work in HC, you need as much enjoyment during the day that you can get.
My family is well.
My brother just graduated from school, and is now an RT. He worked hard and it shows. He got offered a job before school was over and now is ready to start his new career. Made me very proud of him!
My dad is well. I wish that I knew more, but he has his own life. Being an adult is sometimes hard, because we get so busy and wrapped up in our own lives, we tend to neglect the things that matter the most. I miss my dad. I miss seeing him all the time, talking to him all the time. Us not seeing each other is not all his fault, I do take the blame as much as I push it out. I just wish things had turned out differently. I just want him to be happy and it breaks my heart that I don't know if he is or not.
My other brother...I have no clue. I hope that the decisions that he makes in his life are good ones, and that he is happy. That is all I care about. That and he knows how much I love him.
The rest of my family...I have no clue. I will not try to be apart of peoples lives who do not try to be apart of mine. I hate the lying and the fakeness of trying to fit in a place that I do not belong, or am wanted. My true family stayed with me after my mom died. The rest of the "family" went on their own way. Not the way a family is supposed to act, but that is what they did...and it was their choice.
My friends...what can I say....they are the greatest bunch of people who I have ever met. I do not need to name names as they know who they are. They kept me sane throughout the year and made me hold my head up high when all I felt like was giving up. They are brave enough to tell me to get my shit together and pull my head out of my ass. They tell me that I am loved and that I belong to them. They make me feel as though I am part of the family, and constantly show me that it is ok to love and show it. From them, I have had a secret crush for about 4 years..and even though I know that it will never go anywhere, that is perfectly fine with me. Just knowing that there is one person that I am secretly in love with shows that yes, I am not broken and I can still do it.
I HAVE THE GREATEST FRIENDS IS THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!
What does 2010 have in store for me? I have no idea. I cannot possibly think of what could happen, but I do know that even though I do not make resolutions, there will be certain changes that I make. Personally, financially and emotionally. However, no matter what I do, it will be out of love for myself and everyone that is close in my bubble.
I hope this New Year brings better things to people in the world. My hope is that people see the good in each other and try to be a little nicer, help a little more and stop all the hatred they hold for each other.
BRING ON 2O1O, I THINK THAT WE ARE READY
And I will be posting more in this New Year.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
7/9/1977
Happy Birthday to me!
32 years ago, I was born to the most beautiful woman in the world. I remember roaming the world with her in a truck and pig tails. My radio handle was "Gabber Jaws". I had it good like that...I got all the apples and bananas that I wanted cause I was so damned cute.
I look back at my life and think that in many ways I have been blessed beyond a reasonable doubt. Sure, I had my Madonna days when all I would wear were the while tights and headbands. I had the best looking "tall" hair that a girl could ask for. I went thru the big huge flower in my hair that went great with my big red glasses (I also had them in blue, don't hate). I had lots of friends, the occasional boyfriend and back then life was great. I had all that I could ask for.
I look back at all the things that I could have done differently, and where there are some that I would change in a heartbeat, most of them I would not. I would change some of the people that I met, some that I had given my heart to and some that I didn't. I think that maybe it would have changed my outcome on how I look at life, just a little differently. But, we will never know, and that is the way life works.
32 is no different than it was yesterday. I did nothing special except take the day off work, spent it with no one special except for my dog. Funny how when we are kids, we see our lives turn out so much differently. I only wish that my mom was still alive. She is the one person that I love the most, who I miss soooo much. She was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.
But, what more can a girl ask for. I have two wonderful brothers, a dad who loves me for no reason at all, a dog that would permanently attach himself to my leg if he could, a great bunch of friends who put up with me and still love me endlessly!!
So, Happy Birthday to me, and hopefully I have many many more!
32 years ago, I was born to the most beautiful woman in the world. I remember roaming the world with her in a truck and pig tails. My radio handle was "Gabber Jaws". I had it good like that...I got all the apples and bananas that I wanted cause I was so damned cute.
I look back at my life and think that in many ways I have been blessed beyond a reasonable doubt. Sure, I had my Madonna days when all I would wear were the while tights and headbands. I had the best looking "tall" hair that a girl could ask for. I went thru the big huge flower in my hair that went great with my big red glasses (I also had them in blue, don't hate). I had lots of friends, the occasional boyfriend and back then life was great. I had all that I could ask for.
I look back at all the things that I could have done differently, and where there are some that I would change in a heartbeat, most of them I would not. I would change some of the people that I met, some that I had given my heart to and some that I didn't. I think that maybe it would have changed my outcome on how I look at life, just a little differently. But, we will never know, and that is the way life works.
32 is no different than it was yesterday. I did nothing special except take the day off work, spent it with no one special except for my dog. Funny how when we are kids, we see our lives turn out so much differently. I only wish that my mom was still alive. She is the one person that I love the most, who I miss soooo much. She was the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.
But, what more can a girl ask for. I have two wonderful brothers, a dad who loves me for no reason at all, a dog that would permanently attach himself to my leg if he could, a great bunch of friends who put up with me and still love me endlessly!!
So, Happy Birthday to me, and hopefully I have many many more!
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