Realizations suck

So, it is almost the end of November. I finally got all the Dr stuff out of the way. Everything came back good. My lower part is still not as good as the Dr wants, still abnormal cells and spots and he still wants to do a biopsy, but I am in no rush. The breast was something that I was worried about, so I actually did go have the ultrasound done on the lump they found...turns out to be nothing and this maybe the best news that I get in a long time. He congratulated me on my 40lb weight loss and told me to keep it up. I told him that I was going all that way so that next year I will have a new body since people don't seem to like the old one very much. He asked me if there was any thing bothering me...wonder why he asked that. I told him no, there was nothing bothering me, MUCH, and just told him that I was tired of being me: fat, ugly, sad. I told him there was nothing to worry about, my brain was just stuck on stupid for a minute, but that once I got a coffee my life would be back to normal. I wonder why he stared at me like I was lying. I told him to move on to the next series of questions or I was leaving. Sometimes its hard holding it all in.

Its almost Thanksgiving (man, where did the year go?) and my brother and I decided we were going to have Turkey. We are going to cook together, and then we are probably going to end up going out to my Aunt's house for dinner. I hope she makes her home made yeast rolls. If I am going to eat regular food, this is one of the things that I want the most.

This time of year that makes me sad that I am alone. I want someone to spend the day with, visit friends and family with. It's hard going over to my friends houses because they are all married or have long term boyfriends or are almost married. It is sad when you are the only single one in the group. There is a guy that I like, but I am not sure of the outcome. Whatever happens, he will be a great addition to my group of friends.

This is also the time when I miss my mom the most. All the rituals that we used to do together, I miss those so much. I miss getting up a 5 am with her to have coffee and start the "Bird" so the men of the house could waked up to wonderful food smells. I loved playing Backgammon with her over coffee and complaining how much the giblets used to stink up the house. But, I will never forget the look on her face or the way her laugh sounded. I will never forget the way she used to tell me things whispered into my ear for only me to hear. I will never forget just sitting there, staring at her and making a memory. It is hard to believe that in March it will be 6 years that she has been dead.

It is sad to say, but this year, there are not too many things that I am thankful for. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, a job to pay my bills, friends and family that love me, and a dog who looks forward to getting fed when I get home and kisses when I lay down.

Is this it? Because, if it is, I am one sad sad person.

Sadly, this is it.